Too many feels

My head is crawling and exploding with thoughts and emotions and feelings. I can't relax, I can't sleep, I can't cry, I can't laugh and I can't share how I'm feeling with the people around me. I'm so confused and tired. All I want to do is sleep. But when I try my mind just fills with more and more thoughts, things I can't get out of my head. I feel like I'm going to go crazy with all these feelings. Music doesn't help. Food doesn't help. When I pray I can't concentrate and give my full attention to god. I'm lost and scared and feel like screaming but nothing is coming out. I'm stuck in this spiral of feelings of wants and needs and happiness and angriness and love and hate and confusion and frustration and sadness. I'm all over the place. I'm riding a never ending rollercoaster.

New Beginnings

Hi my imaginary friends, I am officially a Uni student! (YAY for massive debts!!) Well it's been a week here, I moved out of my house and into halls on my lovely university campus. It's been great and I've loved the independance of it all, you know, having to cook for myself (even though I haven't yet cos my mum keeps sending me too much food) and you know live without my parents. Although I do feel a bit lonely at times, especially because I'm so awkward and shy with people, I definitely don't regret moving out. My room is pretty nice and all 11 (yes ELEVEN) of my flatmates are all really lovely and nice, even if we're all very different. Last week was induction week, but from tomorrow lectures and classes start properly. I'm slightly nervous about how hard it's going to be, but since it's the beginning of the year I'm still really determined.

So I want to talk about my blog. For the past I don't know how many years I've been writing on here from time to time. A lot of my posts are boring updates on what's going on in my life, but a lot of them are really personal diary like entries that I write to vent out my emotions. I've noticed that the majority of those seem to be very negative and especially in the last year or so I've only actually been posting when I've been sad or upset or angry. As a result I've kept it private and never really shared it with anyone. I really want to change that.

I've decided to make my blog a more positive environment. I want to talk about the good things in my life, and appreciate those little things that make life beautiful, because it really is. I don't want to be ashamed of it, or for it to be something I hide from people. I've deleted some of my older posts that may be a little too personal (although I've left a lot of the embarrassing stuff from years ago on it). I'm going to start letting people in, even if I do know them. I don't know what exactly I'll start blogging about, but I'll just see. Just go with the flow. So if you find yourself here, feel free to share my blog with anyone if you like, or not I don't really mind.

And here with another one of my awkward endings, I bid you guys goodbyee xx

Allah knows best

It's been so long, but hello again.

Today was the big day, it was A level results day. I was expecting to be spending all morning refreshing track, but at 7am this morning I received a congratulatory text from Hertfordshire to tell me I had been accepted. My heart sank slightly at that, because it was my insurance choice, and from that text I was  90% sure I had been rejected from Kings, my firm choice. A few minutes later track opened and my guess was correct. Well that was that. I kind of expected it really so I don't know why it hurt. No matter how much I loved Kings though, there's no denying that I really did love Hertfordshire too. I had throughout the year thought to myself that I wouldn't mind going to Hertfordshire, because it would mean I would definitely get to move out, something you can tell from my previous posts I wanted really badly. I had fed my parents the idea of moving out just the first year for Kings but even then I didn't think it was going to happen.

So yeah I wasn't over the moon about where I got accepted at first. But after a while I remembered that Allah (god for those who aren't muslim) chose for me to go to Hertfordshire and he obviously knows best. I'm not a very religious person and I am by no means a perfect Muslim, but I do have faith, and I do believe. So maybe it was a blessing my results turned out the way they did, and he wanted me to get away from my hectic family. Maybe it's for the better.

So yeah my trip to school this morning was a quick one. I got BBC (biology, geography, chemistry). Atleast I improved my As bio grade from a B to an A and As chem from an E to a B, it was one thing I was slightly proud of. I (thank God) wasn't approached by any of my teachers so I didn't have to talk to them feeling ashamed of my disappointing results, and I didn't see any of my friends either, though it would have been nice to. I just walked in and out, like my usual awkward self.

I still don't feel like I've actually left school yet but once I start Uni i know I will. And no matter how much I hated that place, I know I will miss it, especially after spending the last 7 years of my life there. I met most of my bestfreinds there and have so many memories that I will cherish. My friends are all headed in different directions and I know most of us will slowly drift apart. It's sad but it's life. I will miss them all dearly though.

So anyway... with another one of my awkward endings, thank you to all 0 of you for reading my blog, and I bid you guys goodbye x

Reading over it now, I guess I'm not as lost as I was in my last post, but I still haven't found myself. At least part of the weight on my shoulders has been lifted from me recently. I've received offers from 4/5 of my universities, and haven't been rejected for the 5th one yet, so I have a good chance of receiving one from them too! I am so happy because my 2 favourite ones have both given me conditional offers, meaning I have a good chance of getting into either. But the problem is, and there's always a problem, there is no way I'm going to get the grades this year, especially at this rate. OMG last year, geography was the love of my life, my favourite subject, the only thing (except glee club and lunch/break) that I could bear in school. Now it's the worst. First of all I really hate the topics, but on top of that, I have a physical teacher teaching me human, and a human teacher teaching physical, like how the hell is that supposed to work out?!!? I am going to fail really badly because right now I don't know anything to do with human geography. It's a shame because at the beginning of term it looked like geography was my only hope at getting an A (which I kinda need 2 of though..). I feel like I have a good chance at getting an A in Biology, if my bloody geo teachers would back off for a second! I am SWAMPED with geography homework every single lesson. It's the only thing I seem to be spending time on. I really need to turn my self around in Chemistry too after the disaster that was my As grade, but how am I supposed to even BEGIN to revise if all I'm ever doing is trying to get geography done?? Errghh

Hello invisible ones. Yes I haven't blogged in a while. It felt a little funny after the emotional wreck of a post the last blog was.. Anyway quick update on what's going on in my life

Spent the holidays in my homelands of Bangladesh, It was much better than expected, but still fairly boring to be honest.

As results, A Geography, B Biology, D Maths, E Chemistry.

DROPPED MATHS, WOOOHHOOOO!!!!!

Still failing chemistry :( :( :(


Anyway, this is one of the most important times of my life, University application time!!! AND I'm failing at that... Yes I still haven't completely decided on what I'm applying to, but it's mainly between Natural Sciences and Biomedical Sciences right now. I actually would much rather apply to Natural Sciences, but yes I can't because that would mean moving out and my parents aren't going to be letting me do that any time soon so GREAT ISN'T IT! So I'm really stuck, I haven't even started my personal statement, which I really should of. Right now I think a gap year is looking more and more appropriate, now how do I convince my parents about that?

Hello

Hello imaginary people. Or shall I say real people. Or person. I'm not too sure actually. But I know I've been getting more than a couple of views lately, so there must be someone out there. Yeah you can't hide from me. Whoever you are, hello, and welcome to the diary of me. Make yourself at home go ahead and read my posts. This is a place I come to when I need to vent but don't have anyone in particular to vent to. I hope you enjoy finding out about the inner goings on of the mind of Sameeha.

P.S You know I wouldn't mind if you left a comment or a message :)

Third post in one night, go me!

Ok yes it's my 3rd post tonight, but I haven't posted in aaagees and I really need to clear my head and this is one way of doing it.
Ok, forget that old crush. He's done, dusted, I'm over him (ok I don't think I'll ever completely be over him but I've moved on)
There's a new guy I like. I don't know him very well, and I haven't spoken to him much.. but he seems so so nice, and lovely and like a really nice person. I want to get to know him, but I don't get any opportunities lately, plus my awkwardness makes it impossible.
There, had to get that off my chest :)

Yeah, yeah you non existent people can be quiet now, I haven't posted in ages. Don't have an excuse, but whatever, expect this post to be a long one.

Well last month one of my dreams came true. I saw my idol, my hero, my reason for being alive, LIVE. Yes I went to to the Red Tour, London, O2 Arena, Tuesday 4th February 2014. IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFEE. Well it was supposed to be. Most of it still was, but yes, it did get ruined a little. But lets forget about that, and focus on the good part. I SAW TAYLOR LIVE IN THE FLESH WE WERE IN THE SAME ROOM AND WE BREATHED THE SAME AIR. God she was so perfectly flawless, and beautiful and talented. She sang amazing songs, with amazing choreography, with about a gazillion costume changes, including one on stage. It was a night, in her own words "Full of surprises". Her voice was as beautiful as it sounds on the albums I live my life to. My favourite performance.. hmm... well how can I not say All Too Well?? The most emotional beautiful song ever written. One of the best bits was the secret b-stage song, SHE PERFORMED OURS ♥♥ As if that wasn't enough she decided to have a guest performer. I was very nervous of who it could be in case it was someone I don't know (the last show it was Sam Smith, who majority of the crowd had never heard of) But she brings out no other than DANNY O'DONOGHUE FROM THE SCRIPT!!! AND THEY PERFORMED THE SONG THAT I WAS JUST FALLING IN LOVE WITH AGAIN JUST A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE, BREAK EVEN!!!! The crowd went wild and everyone was screaming along to the words, it was incredible ♥ I dressed up and went all out for the concert, in hopes (even though I knew it wouldn't happen and it didn't) I'd have the slightest chance of getting club red. I made a little red riding hood costume, and made a poster with about a million lights and tons of glitter. I didn't get noticed my Taylor's staff, however the lady at the doors did compliment me saying mine was the most creative costume she had seen yet (Although I did see a girl dressed as a pumpkin). After the Vamps had opened (they were AWESOME btw) and before Taylor came on, we could see lots of people crowding around on the floor. Everyone was wondering who it could be, but I knew straightaway it was Mama Swift!!! I obviously didn't get to meet her as my seats were so high up, but I COULD SEE HER!! And I started freaking out lool.
But yes I'm posting this really late now, but it was the best night of my life ever and I'm suffering serious post concert depression right now